Sunday, January 20, 2013

Life can suck out your soul at times

As the saying goes "Life stinks" you have one or 2 ways to change it.

Hi Jill Let me know if you get this. OK?

Friday, January 18, 2013


I have not been keeping up with my blog this week. I'm striving to blog 3 to 4 x's a week, but due to
I have not been feeling up to par.

I have not talked yet about my stomach illness, but I have a feeding tube that goes directly into my
intestine. My feeding tube needs to be changed every 2 to 3 months. It is outpatient procedure. When they do the procedure they either give you a local or put an IV so they can give you pumps of pain medication. So when I had this procedure on Monday, they had a hard time getting me to stop bleeding, but the blood finally did stooped, so that problem was not serious.

Due to my lethargy, I feel that I can't do a very informative,compassionate or have the content for people dealing with a chronic illness and their caregivers. I want this blog to reach people so they do not feel alone.

I have been doing a lot of research for my next post, so stay tuned and if  you have questions, comments or want to tell your story, by all means post it.

So stay tuned and I'm hoping to get back to the issues I'm using this blog for

See you all soon

Thursday, January 10, 2013

A Bipolar's look at the cusp of the Future

  I cry for Mother
I cry for my father
I cry for the 5 that survived

A Fractured 5, never to be what I envision for my life
I cry for my youth, so gone, so lost and I carried that dream
the dream of closeness to the fractured 5.

I am standing on a cliff,the wind is blowing, faster and faster
I turn to look at my past, when my my Mom was alive and her house was a place of comfort.
Her house was never empty and no one was left behind. I cry because I want that is the life.
I want closeness, love and to never feel like a burden,

I had a serious illness back in 2011. It changed me. I almost died.
I thought that dream of mine would come true after the 4 of the 5 prayed
and saw how life can be gone in a minute
And that prayer work, but the aftermath was a different story

I'm still on the cliff, as I look over my shoulder and see my past,
As the wind blows harder, looking over at my past, the wind is making my hair
blow into my eyes, so I can see the past in bits and pieces of the past.

 Then the rain starts,  first it's a little drizzle then it starts raining harder, yet it is
so comfortable that I don't care that my hair nor, my
homemade prairie dress are getting soaked
I look up to the dark clouds and rain and close my eyes

As the rain gets harder, I fall into a sleep, like as if the rain
is the peace I've been searching for in years. Peace sounds so good. A fun, laughter filled time
Where I feel so loved, that it overwhelms me. The rain falls on me
like a warm, summer rain. It felt like a blanket your mother would put on
you if you fell asleep on the couch.

When it the rain stops, the warm sun, calls to me. It is so warm,
because it's burning so high in the sky that I have to put my hands over my eyes to see
the bright sky and that the cliff is still there with the  future starring at me and the
past is like looking at am 8mm movie.

I'm caked with mud, from head to toe I'm covered with it
The mud was still a little slippery that it was pulling me.
.To  jump over the cliff and leave my yearning for the past
the past is gone,but you can find a way to be happy with the present
 and not worry to much about the future. Jumping over the cliff
will give you those answers

The past was becoming black and white, with the screen unclear
I couldn't reach out to the TV to get the rabbit ears. The past was going away
I felt a sense of sadness because I knew that the traditions over the cliff were not mine,
Those type of days are over for me, but the future isn't awful, just a little lonely.
That when I jump, all of my past goes with me

The 5 are fractured and there is a 6, but the 6th was saved and scarred
but wasn't spared of the fracture.
I love and loath my father who I blame for the fracture of the 5
and for the 6 who got a gift and a memory of complete grief.

Mental illness is still swept under the rug. Many people who I call "family"
Still have no idea. Bipolar and manic depression are the same thing.
The father I cry for he was the leader of that sin.
The mother I cry who saw, yet chose to not believe.

I cry for my Mother because I helped shield her
I cry for the father I have and the father I wish I had
I cry that I have to deal with 2 illness, one you can see in a way
And one that can't be seen. Leaving me to feel awful and burdensome.

I cry for the fracture that I can't fix
Yes, I do take on the worlds problems.
I feel selfish, an ingrate, sometimes just a fucking bitch
and always that I have no reason to have survived

So this is how my world looks like in a way. I deal with 2 different, deadly ilnesses yet, I'm walking and talking, so I must be ok. My pain can be seen if you look in my eyes but are overlooked, the crying is looked at as a ploy for sypathy. Mental illness alone is hard enough. Carrie Fisher had said something about bipolar people should be given a badge not a label. The reason I wrote about my past and future is that I feel like I am going a little crazy because of all that happened in the past, that I am afraid of the future with how I joined the "gang" a little late. I've come to terms with my mental illness, but it makes everyone feel helpless, when all that's needed is a simple hug, some tissue and just a little sympathy. I have tried to tell people about it or buy books about it. I feel that people think I talk about it a lot but if I'm not crying and acting like my normal, smartass self, it's because I want people to learn, but I am talked over.

I am so happy to hear about all the Oscar nods for "Silver Lining Bookplay" for two reasons. The main one is that it deals with people who are struggling with a mental disorder and one minor thing and since I grew up in the philadelphia are and the Eagles were always in my background.

My older sister, who has been my champion through all my illnesses and now I feel like I can't help her(except leave her house!). She turned me onto Joyce Meyer and  Joyce sent out a bookmark in one of her magazine and it was 3 was to simplify your life

#3 was Proverbs 12:25 Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down, but an encouraging word makes it glad. So give a nice word, even if it's just hello. Help a senior cross the street. Maybe you will get a good word from a good deed!
 I have a brain disease. The name of it is Bipolar(manic depression)  I don't lie about it, but I don't yell it out loud. I  want to do something to stop the negative look of it just because a sea of fucking assholes give us a bad name.

God Bless
So I hop to get a following with my blog. My next post will about my illness.

See you soon

#Stomach problems
#bipolar diorder